I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
