Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
