I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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