8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
