Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize