You smell like a Billy Joel song
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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