this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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