why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We left an ass print on the piano.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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