I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
smell my finger.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
