I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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