I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
