Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
