Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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