Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
