at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
