a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
