I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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