Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
