if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Randomize
