need another drink. this is the easiest way
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize