The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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