I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
