You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
