as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
