Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he fucked my hip out of place.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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