I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
