i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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