I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
