I only kidnapped one of them. chill
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
