mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
