I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
