Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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