one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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