just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
