like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
