the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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