life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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