can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
