I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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