I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
