what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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