I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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