I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
