Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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