Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
