I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
