If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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