Kiss
Puke
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize