Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize