im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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