Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
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