thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
