Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
