The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
