This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
