Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
