I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
