I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
