The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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