I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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