To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
