i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
