I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
