I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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