so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
