I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
