Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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