Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
