We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I am one with the molecules
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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